There, I Said It!

So, I started counseling today.  

There.  I said it.  

And from the outside looking in you would probably think that I have it all together.  Wife to a fabulous, supportive man.  Mom to a talented, self-aware teenage girl and a brilliant, handsome six-year-old boy.  Daughter of an incredibly creative and encouraging woman.  Chief Operating Officer of a growing management company. Beautiful home full of love and everything we need.  A host of friends who are the best around.  Sounds pretty amazing, right?

Translation…

My husband is pretty stinking incredible, but we are often like ships in the night – sometimes to the point that I feel like I’m sitting across the table from a stranger.  And sometimes I wonder if he is a stranger to himself.  The challenges he has endured since entering my life have been immense.  

(Writer's note: Possible opening for next blog, "I married a black man...in the South.  There.  I said it.)

My talented, self-aware daughter?  She is so self-aware that she often gets so far inside of her head – critiques every little wonderful thing about herself, slips into depression and fights a war against anxiety – that I spend countless hours trying to pull her out.

The cool kid in the house IS SUPER smart because God chose to give him the gift of autism.  It IS a gift.  He stores up useless information about how many Pixar movies were produced before 2017 and which version of Microsoft was released in which year.  It’s mind-blowing!  But at times he gets so overstimulate and agitated by everything around him which breaks this momma’s heart into a billion puzzle pieces.

My mom can make something new out of something old like nobody’s business.  Example:  Upright piano completely gutted and turned into a work desk.  Who thinks of stuff like that?!  But she struggles every.single.day to put her past behind her to create her own “something new”.  She lives with us and I worry about her equally as much as my own children.

COO is something I’m pretty proud of.  I went back to school a couple of years ago and got my MBA in order to take this next step with the company.  I love my job!  Sometimes too much.  So much that I neglect the man who makes it possible for me to follow my dreams.  Shame on me.

Our home is lovely and roomy enough for the five of us.  I don’t thank God enough for it, but when I do, I’m reminded that just nine short years ago I lived in a single-wide mobile home…wait…let’s just call it what it was:  Just nine short years ago, I was a single mom who lived in a trailer in my mother’s front yard.  But I’m sure we will get to that later…

My circle is quite small, but it’s a REALLY good circle.  Each of my friends has a beautiful Hallmark movie themed story of how we met and connected.  Unfortunately, many of them have had terrible Lifetime movie plots plague their lives at some point in time as well.  I tend to be the director of these movies many times, or the superhero who saves the day.  I love that God gave me the gift of listening and offering grace, but one of those friends reminded me this week that I don’t offer myself the same amount of grace.

So here I am, meeting with a man named Vince in a tiny turquoise decorated office with a blanket in my lap, tissues in one hand and a large sugar-free latte with almond milk in the other.  I’m ready for this journey and invite you to come with me.  I may learn some things about myself that you can apply to your life as well, that is if you are willing to admit that your life is prettier on the outside than it is on the inside as well.